Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.
- I thought you said it were a shop. - It is.
Ohh, yes!
Bloody hell.
Hello, boys! Welcome to Gypsy Joe's. See anything you like, boys?
(BOTH) Do we!
Stereo speakers, buy one, get one free.
Cash down, nothin' to pay in 12 months.
And is it all... (WHISTLES)
Oh, it's all, er... (WHISTLES)
Have you got any o' them big tellies?
I've got a beautiful 22-inch Futaba.
Wide screen, perfect for the families.
What we'll be watching won't be for the families.
Two grown men away from home!
'Ey, we won't be watchin' any of your filth on it!
Have you got any plasma screens?
Plasma screens? Phwoah vey tricky to get hold of them plasmas.
I used to have some but...
Hang on a minute.
You might just be in luck. I think I know where I can get one.
I'll need your help.
You go too far. Feeling that little lad's mum up.
These costumes are a licence to grope.
He said it's in here somewhere. Storeroom.
Ohh, yes, here we go, ding-dang-do!
Excuse me, what time are you open until?
Till ten tonight. Eight, weekends.
You OK?
It's dreadfully warm in here.
Are you sure you're OK?
Yeah... (PANTS) I'm grand.
Would you have a drop of water?
Oh, my God! Help! He's collapsed!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
All right, stand back, stand back!
- What happened, love? - He just keeled over.
We've got a keeler! We've got a keeler.
We'll take it from here, flower.
- Have you got him, Doctor Patrick? - Yeah.
GRUNTS (Jesus!) OK!
Everybody move!
ALARM SOUNDS
Oh, watch the plasma!
SIREN
- Have you got me money, lads? - We're a bit busy right now, Joe.
I'm not a credit company, you know.
You'll get your money.
- Oh, Jesus. - Oh, shit. Reverse, reverse.
Get him over here.
No, no, lads, please... Ahhhhhhh!
CRASH
JOE GROANS
- What happened? - He just jumped.
I think I've sprained me ankle.
Ahhhh!
Head-the-ball.
You can take it from here.
(Joe) Ahhh...
Crackers.
Well, what do you think?
Now, that is a plasma screen. We've gotta get a bit of porn on that.
I've told ya, I don't want any of your filth.
Well, half of it's mine. And my half will not be showin' ninja films.
- Those grapes were for the patient. - Oh, yeah, they are.
How is he?
Not good. Doctor's gonna put a pin in his leg. He must've landed funny.
Go on, turn it up.
Erm... that's the thing, I can't.
Well, I can and I can't.
- What do you mean? - There's no speakers.
How we supposed to listen to it, then?
'..about 33 per cent...'
Oh, no, no. I am not watching Charlie's Anals like that.
Ripping-off Gyppo. I'm glad I'm eatin' his grapes now.
- You read, I'll put t'shopping away(!) - That's good of you.
Phwoar! Look at t'cherry bakewells on that.
Chuck us a bottle o' that water.
Bit o' manners costs nothin'.
- What's that? - What's what?
I'm not drinkin' that.
"Bottled in the mountains of Afghanistan"?
I bet Osama's had a bath in that.
What's wrong with it?
Why do you keep buyin' cheap crap, bloody 4p beans and Al-Qaeda water?
Because it's cheap. We're supposed to be cuttin' back.
l know, but come on. Tin of Heinz beans aren't gonna break the bank.
I've wasted half our housekeepin' on your rubbish.
Moisturiser, cleanser. It's like livin' with a woman.
How would you know?
It's called personal hygiene, Max, you wanna try it.
- And what's that supposed to mean? - In a nutshell, you stink.
(POSH VOlCE) How dare you? How dare you?
l have a good stand-up wash in that sink once a week.
Stray dogs wash more than that.
And deodorant's not the work of the devil, Max.
You've been turned around. Women are supposed to smell nice for us.
- You're livin' in the Dark Ages, man. - Me? I'm livin' in the Dark Ages?
I's not the one readin' Razzle - another waste of money.
I were gonna do a beef boogie-on tonight. That's gone down the shitpan.
Waste of money?
We've bought a plasma screen wi' no speakers!
No wonder we're eatin' Big Bob's bastard beans!
DOOR SLAMS >
SEAGULLS CRY
We need to get out of here, Max.
We've only just arrived.
I mean out out. Let off some steam.
Two grown men cooped up, it's messin' wi' me mind.
And you're messin' wi' yourself.
What we need is a bit o' fun and games.
Snooker?
No. I mean female companionship.
Perfume wafting over the nostrils, bare skin against your teeth.
Come on, let's go out, me and thee. Splash o' Brut, it'll do you good.
I'll even let you use me deodorant.
DISCO MUSIC PLLAYS
(Paddy) Ooh, luck, be a lady tonight!
- What you havin'? - Anything. I'm spittin' feathers.
Two pints o' mild, please, barman.
- Yeah, we only do bottles, mate. - That'll do.
Jumpin' in here, innit?
Oh, aye. 'Ey, there's some lovely little sprouts.
7.6O
- How much? - Seven pounds sixty.
For two beers?
You should wear a mask and a striped jumper.
There you go. Thatcher's Britain!
Can tell we're down South.
That's right.
- There's a lot of sailors, in't there? - Oh, aye.
Like bloody Pearl Harbor.
8.OO, Pearl Harbor. 12.OO, pearl necklace.
That'll do for HMS Paddy.
'Ey, land ahoy. Let Daddy do the drivin'.
Here's 10p, flower. Call your mam, tell her you won't be comin' home.
I've got a mobile, dickhead.
MAX LAUGHS
Hello, nice ladies. Pick a number between one and ten.
Eight.
You lose. Take your tops off.
Fuck off.
- Can you catch, love? - Why?
Cos I've got a couple o' balls comin' your way.
Dave! Dave, is that you?
I don't understand, Max. Those lines are tried and tested.
They're tired and tested.
Women don't want that in this day and age, they want honesty and romance.
Where have you heard that?
Trisha.
All right, take the wheel.
Excuse me, ladies. My friend and I, we think you're both very attractive
and we wondered if we could buy you a drink.
Yeah, all right, then. That'd be lovely.
Patrick?
Hey, watch it!
What? That were an accident.
Come on, then!
Anyway, I was saying...
CLASSICAL MUSIC ON RADlO
See what's happenin' in the world.
Never mind the world what happened last nigh't?
What d'you mean?
We had them girls right there
and we went from that to that all cos you can't dance.
I beg your pardon? I can't dance?!
I'm glad you admit it. Did you have a Walkman on?
I might not be one of Bluezone but I can still strut me stuff.
What's Bluezone?
That pop group, those lads.
Oh, Jesus, no.
Hang on, just wait here.
'..and I say to him "Television's Bob Carolgees..."'
MUSIC: Let's Hear It For The Boy by Denise Williams
Right.
'Ey! I'm readin' that.
- Get up. - What?
Get up!
I'm not a rag doll, you know!
I'm gonna show you some simple moves
You're gonna show me how to dance?
Yes.
This I've gotta see.
One, two, one, two.
That's just line dancin', son.
Is it?
Where did ya learn that?
On the streets. Look and learn, flower look and learn. Here we go.
Right, come on. One, two, one, two. One, two, one, two.
This really necessary?
Women love a bit o' bump and grind.
You're a man, I'm a woman and you want me. >
Yeah, that's right, I'm a woman. I'm a woman and you want me!
Now, the most important thing to remember is balance.
Balance. Balance.
Give me a spin.
That's it, you've got it.
- Is that it? - You're a natural.
I like it, Max. I like it.
CRUNCH >
(SQUEAKY) Go and get help. My balls have gone up into my stomach.
If you can't beat 'em, cock, join 'em.
Hang on, why haven't I got one o' those?
They didn't have your size, flower.
- Bollocks. - You look all right.
I look like a rent boy from t'Love Boat.
Listen, women love a man in uniform.
Let's go out dressed as a couple o' Nazis, then.
Stick wi' me, and we'll be splicin' the mainbrace tonight, my friend.
So you're an officer, then?
And a gentleman.
Do you want a drink?
No, we'll get 'em in.
No, you two go warm some seats for us.
All right. Thank you.
What did I tell ya? Like flies round shit. I'm just goin' for a slash.
All on your own, sailor?
Oh, no. He's here now.
l needed that, me teeth were underwater. 'Ey-up, one, two.
Buckle my shoe. You not havin' one?
That was mine.
Ah, well, better the devil you know. (WHISTLES) Same again?
Who lives here, then?
We do.
Just for tonight. Shore leave.
Oh, yes, the old shore leave. Batten down the hatches an' all that.
It belongs to a mate. Lets us lay our heads here.
'Ey, or whatever else we fancy layin'! In you get, you two.
Sorry about the mess. The lad who owns it's a.. bit of a pig.
Me casa you su casa.
(WHISTLES) Wey-hey-hey!
You two get settled
and I'm gonna give this little lady a tour of the vessel.
This is the front room,...
that's my room.
Tour over.
Drink?
(Paddy) Permission to come aboard?
He... He's a case, in't he?
Crackers, our lad.
That wind's got up.
Gerrtcha! >
So, do you work, like? Have you got a job?
Ohhh, yeah. >
I'm a checkout supervisor.
Checkout supervisor?
Really? Amazin'.
I bet you know some stories, don't ya?
Please, God.
(Paddy) I'm Paddy the sailor man. Whoo-whoo!
He's puddled, that lad, in't he?
Nyuuuh! >
Neeuuh! >
I bet you've got a girl in every port.
Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm very choosy when it comes to women.
I'm not like that animal.
Ooohsaa! >
I do apologise.
No, I like to think of myself as a bit of a romantic.
I like a girl with special needs.
Hmm. Who is she?
Oh, no, I don't mean a girl with...special needs.
No, no, I mean I like a girl to have special needs, to have a bit up here.
A bit up here. A bit more spirit.
Uhhh, bwuuuh. >
I like to take a relationship to a different level. A spirit level.
Ye-es. >
I like a girl to have hobbies and interests.
Oh, yes. >
I have...hobbies, I have interests.
What are they, then?
I'm strong to the finish cos I eats me spinach..
ENGINE STARTS
Where's he goin' now?
Beautiful plasma screen, in't it? I'm gonna get surround-sound speakers.
I know what you're thinkin' - wires. Don't worry. Covin'.
Oh, noooo! What you doin'? What have you got that on for?
Ah, it's on a plate for you!
(Paddy) Why you puttin' the plasma on?
(Max) You've got your ways of entertainin' women and I've got mine.
I don't tell you how to perform!
(Paddy) Pleasures of the flesh, Max!
Oh, you're on your arse!
Speakin' of arses...
I had no idea they needed speakers.
It's no good havin' a plasma screen without 'em.
I'll make some calls but... I don't fancy riskin' me other leg.
Oh. Mornin'. >
Mornin'.
Or should I say afternoon?
Why did you leave me?
You were unconscious.
Look at the state of this boy. Rough night, was it?
Me head's on its arse.
I can't find me wallet.
Oh, that old one.
Straight up. I had it last night.
So where did you end up?
Bermuda's. Nightclub in town. Went dressed as sailors.
Sailors?
Yeah, it were me laddo's idea.
Pulled a right couple of live wires. Took 'em back to our place.
And?
Goin' great guns till Charlotte Church couldn't hold her ale.
I can hold me ale.
One of them must have spiked me.
Wait a minute. You went to Bermuda's last night, dressed as sailors?
Yeah, why?
And you can't find your wallet?
These two live wires, their names weren't Tracy and Louise, were they?
Yeah, they were.
Sounds like you've had a run-in with the Belgrano sisters.
(BOTH) Belgrano?
On account of all the sailors that's gone down on them.
They've a soft spot for all things nautical.
What do you mean?
They pick up sailors that are on shore leave and then rob 'em blind.
Jesus, I didn't even know those two were out of prison.
(BOTH) Prison?
Evenin'.
How do?
Hiya. You all right?
Well, I were till I found out I'd been robbed.
All right, boys?
Could you give us a minute?
The Belgrano sisters, out on parole, I believe.
I'm sure the boys in blue would like to know you're up to your old tricks.
You wouldn't do that, would you?
Wallet.
Come on, I'm sure we could come to some kind of arrangement.
See ya, Joe! All the best!
TV: 'Good morning, Anals.'
'Good morning, Charlie.'
ZIP UNFASTENS
'Bend over.'
Aaaahh! Oh, God!
(Max) Oh, my God! Aaahh!
You animal, how could you?!
Over my sleeping body! Aaaahh!
Inside! Inside!
(Max) How dare you? How dare you?
(Paddy) Paddy has needs!
(Max) You animal! Get off!
I'll rip your bastard head off! (Paddy) Paddy has needs!
Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.